Indiana Jones 4: The Spoof!
by McDiva226
Summary: My interpretation of Indy 4. Written originally as a Father's Day gift, this spoof is rated T for "Suggestive Themes"...but really, that is just airing on the side of caution. Reviews are immensely appreciated and I hope you enjoy!


**Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull: The Spoof.**

**By. Amanda A.K.A. McDiva226**

**Written as a Father's Day gift, despite the constant questions of "What on earth are you doing on that computer?!"**

A/N: All underlined text , you know, like an action sort of thing... and all _italicized_ text stress on the underlined words. Thanks!

**A dusty road in the Nevada desert. The year is 1957.**

**A lone Prairie dog climbs out of his hole, only to be scared back down as a group of teenaged thrill-seekers nearly run him over. The group speeds off like the devil is on their heels, laughing and shouting. They have caught up to what appears to be a caravan of what look like US army cars are headed down a long dusty road. Is that enough of a hint for you, or do I have to spell it out? Anyway, the teens are now neck and neck with the front of the caravan, an old olive green caddy, and they are egging on the young driver of the caddy to race them. The young man looks at the gruff looking elder in the passenger seat, who shakes his head in disapproval. Ignoring his older "comrade", he races the kids for a time, getting faster and faster and faster. Eventually, they must make a turn, and the girls in the car blow kisses to the losers. The caravan comes to a stop at the gate of a base, where several officer are gathered, armed and dangerous looking. (Looking and being are way different mind you…) Lets see what happens…**

Officer: Uh, sorry guys. You can't go in today. We got sum weapon testing thingy. Totally top-secret right? Yeah, we are supposed to be on a lock-down for 24 hours. My apologies.

**Suddenly, everyone freaks out and all the armed officers pop a salute at the approaching figure.**

Officer: Colonel! I'm sorry, it's not you, honest! But I just can't let you in-

**HEAVY MACHINE GUN FIRE AND HUMAN DEATH HANGS IN THE AIR!!**

Colonel Dovchenko: Too mellow dramatic. We are Russian, not monsters, you American scum.

**Fine then! The convoy drives inside after dispatching the guards in a rather monstrous way and dragging off the bodi-**

Colonel Dovchenko: Always, we are the monsters, but you Americans are much worse when it comes to weapons of mass destruction. Ever heard of Hannah Montana?

**With a dastardly laugh that continues conveniently until the convoy reaches a large metal hanger, they speed off into the distance. **

**A Hanger in Area 51, Somewhere in the Nevada desert…we think.**

**The Russians come to a halt and throw the prisoners out of the trunk. That's really dangerous too! People can die that way, you know.**

Colonel Dovchenko: Ignoring you!

**After the prisoners are taken out of the trunk, a familiarly iconic brown fedora is shown and we see a shadow of a man put on the hat. Pulling back a bit farther, we see Henry "Indiana" Jones Jr. and his partner Mac.**

Mac: Oh! Oh! Hey Jonsie. Bet you a five spot we make it outta this, say ol' boy?

Indiana: Dunno, Mac. We are getting older…

Mac: Speak for yourself mate. Honestly, I feel great. Feel twenty-five, I'd say-

**We are interpreted with the sound of Mac's back cracking as one of the Russian soldiers shoves a rifle butt into his side.**

Mac: Ah! My back! Stupid kid…

Colonel Dovchenko: Looks around corner. Well, they didn't really tell us what to do after we got you here. So how about you say something insulting so we can punch you, Dr. Jones?

Indiana: Yeah, like I'd even let a-

**Dovchenko delivers a swift punch to Indiana's jaw. **

Indiana: What the heck! I wasn't even-

**He is silenced by a punch to the gut.**

Mac: Mate! Just stop talking!

Indiana: Hey, but why didn't you punch him for tal-

**Again, Indy is punched in the gut.**

Indiana: STOP THAT!

Colonel Dovchenko: I've had enough of your insults, Dr. Jones!

**He prepares to punch him again, but a female voice shouting in Russian stops him. He immediately falls back to reveal a young woman in her early thirties with short black hair and ice cold blue eyes. **

Doctor Irina Spalko: Enough! Dr. Jones, I don't believe we've met. I am Doctor Irina Spalko, cunning and masterful Russian scientist. I know very much. Knowledge is my strength and what I do not know, I discover the answers to. And you, have a very important answer looked in that charming head of yours.

Indiana: Listen sister, ya ain't getting any help from us!

Doctor Irina Spalko: Very well. You give me no choice…

**Concentrating very hard, Irina tries to read his mind with her Jedi mind powers. It doesn't work, ha! **

Doctor Irina Spalko: No matter! You know something that I want to know and we have guns, so you're going to tell us!

Indiana: Now why didn't you say that in the first place? Then I could've told you to get six feet under and stay there!

Doctor Irina Spalko: Scowls Americans! We are looking for a coffin-like box inside the hanger, and don't say you don't know what we are talking about. We all know the hard ball Indiana Jones routine, so pretend you said something sarcastic before you enter the hanger and save us the time and wasted energy being angry at you for your lack of cooperation. I've no time for games. Go!

**With a hard push, they force Indiana and Mac inside the hanger.**

Indiana: I need a compass…

**Dovchenko punches him in the jaw.**

Indiana: You have GOT to stop doing that every time I talk.

Colonel Dovchenko: Sorry! It's sort of a reflex now!

Indiana: Works his jaw. The box is highly magnetized, so lets get some gunpowder A Few soldiers empty some gunpowder into his hand this should lead us to it…

**The black powder flies into the air and down the long corridor. Next, Indiana uses pellets to narrow down his search after they make it to a side aisle. The box has been found and the Russians eagerly open it, ignoring Indiana and Mac.**

Doctor Irina Spalko: At last! What I have been searching for is finally mine!

Indiana: Takes out his bullwhip and dispatches his guard. I don't like anyone upstaging me in my multimillion dollar action flick! Take that!

**Indiana secures a gun for himself and Mac and they stand off against the Russians.**

Indiana: Weapons down or your beloved comrade gets it! Grins cockily.

**The Russians turn down their weapons…but bring them back up a second later.**

Indiana: Sigh. Let me guess, Mac is working for the Russians.

Mac: Still as sharp as every, eh? Jonsie, I suggest you drop your weapon or I'll have to put a bullet in that big ol' head of yours. Really…nothing personal, mate.

Indiana: What do they pay, like five cents more an hour? Come on, how could you betray your country, your partner, like that!

Mac: For your information Jonsie, it's six cents and we get dental!

Indiana: Oh wow, I sure am impressed!

Mac: I'm detecting sarcasm from you…

Indiana: Rolls eyes.Brilliant deduction, doofus.

Doctor Irina Spalko: Silence! Any cocky final words, Dr. Jones?

Indiana: I like Mike-wait that's not right…what is it again? Uh…ah, forget it! Take this, you Rebel Scum!

**Indiana throws down his gun and bullets wildly fire into the group of…Rebel Scum?**

Indiana: I know, I know! I screwed up that line too…Russian scum, RUSSIAN SCUM. God, George is gonna murder me… Shivers.

**Indiana moves quickly, jumping across the tall towers of boxes and ignoring the cries (and bullets) of the Russians far behind him. The Russians cars roar to life a pursue our hero through the hanger. Now, Doctor Spalko is ahead of him and he lashes out his trusty bullwhip to gain access to her car.**

Indiana: Woo hoo! Just like old ti-ahhhhhhh!

**Oh no! Indiana has fallen into the car behind by mistake!**

Indiana: Don't you think I know that! Darn it, that looked closer…

**After dispatching the two men in the car, Indiana takes it over. He then proceeds to play chicken with the cars behind him, causing the two to collide. Indy escapes by way of experimental jet engine, which propels him and Colonel Dovchenko into the dark desert. **

Indiana: Well…that was just super fun. I gotta get out of this dump.

**Indiana waits for the Russians to pick up Dovchenko to make his escape. But things go wrong again when he ends up in a Nuclear test facility right in the middle of testing! Luckily, Indy escapes by duck and covering in a lead lined refrigerator and ends up with a few FBI agents in an interrogation room. The fun never does stop!**

**FBI Interrogation room 7, Washington D.C.**

Indiana: Your tellin' me. Now why on earth are you gonna accuse me of treason, I've been saving this country, this planet, since before you were born!

Government agents: So! We've had our share of action as well…

Government agent 1: Ow!

Government Agent 2: What's the matter?

Government agent 1: I bit my lip. Cries

Indiana: Shakes his head in dismay.

**Indiana makes it out of that scrap too and heads back to Marshall College where he is a renowned Professor of Archeology!**

**Marshall College, Connecticut**

Indiana: What do you mean 'leave of absence'?! Are you firing me?!

Dean Stanforth: No! You will have your job when all that messy investigation with the FBI is over. Consider yourself lucky. I fought really hard to get that for you.

Indiana: What did you sacri-"

Dean Stanforth: My job…

**After a depressing monologue in which Indy and the dean drink wine in his house and talk about how everyone is dead, Henry Jones Sr. and Marcus included, Indiana boards a train head toward London to teach there for a while. As Indy boards the train, a mysterious character dressed in a leather jacket, jean and cuffed up boots riding a motorcycle appears on the platform.**

Greaser: Hey, Doc…Doc…PROFESSOR!

Indiana: Peering out the window. What?

Greaser: I need your help. Do you know Professor Oxley?

Indiana: Does a double take. Yes… I haven't seen him in…twenty years!

Greaser: Well he and my mom have been kidnapped!

Indiana: Hang on, kid. I'll be right down.

**Indiana and his young friend head to a local college eatery to talk. What could this mean?**

Indiana: Hey, let him fill in the plot!

**Sorry, Indy.**

Indiana: So, you got a name kid?

Mutt: My name's Mutt.

Indiana: What kinda name is that?

Mutt: What kinda name is Indiana, old timer?

Indiana: Whatever, now what were you saying?

Mutt: Well the Ox was looking for some creepy skull in South America and he got himself kidnapped!

Indiana: Wait, how do you know him in the first place? I missed that bit.

Mutt: He sorta helped raise me. He's a really cool old guy.

Indiana: Fair enough. Continue.

Mutt: Yeah, so then my mom went down to save him and she was kidnapped a few weeks ago. She called me from South America to tell me she sent a letter and that I was supposed to find you. Said you were some kind of grave robber or something and you would know what to do.

Indiana: I'm an archaeologist, you stupid kid.

Mutt: Same dif, old man!

Indiana: Growls. What's your mothers name kid?

Mutt: Mary Williams, she said you go way back.

Indiana: Kid, there have been waaaaay too many Marys for me to narrow it down just like that.

Mutt: Jumps up and pulls out a switchblade. THAT'S MY MOM YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT!

Indiana: Sit down and shut your trap kid, what did you expect?

Mutt: Sticks his tongue out. Old man.

Indiana: Likewise, stupid kid.

**Meanwhile, a pair of tall Russians in suits approach the table.**

Russian 1: You will go quietly, Dr. Jones.

Mutt: Yeah? Flicks out switchblade.

Indiana: Uh…kid? Russians point two guns at Mutt. I think you aren't in a position to argue.

**Both Indy and Mutt are led away, but Indy tells Mutt to punch the guy at the neighboring table. Mutt is all too eager and soon, the entire diner is engulfed in a fight between two classes of teens: greasers and preps. Indy and Mutt rush out of the bar and strait into a high speed motorcycle and car chase. Of course, the Motorcycle wins and the two head back to Indy's place to decipher the letter.**

Mutt: Sweet pad, Doc.

Indiana: Yes…hmm…the riddle keeps talking about 'lines only the gods can see'…I wonder if that's a reference to the Nazca Lines…yes, that's it! Now, you see, the legend we are looking at is the legend of the Crystal skull. Apparently, Francisco de Orellana, a Spanish Conquer tried to find Akator-

Mutt: You mean, El Dorado, right? The city of gold!

Indiana: Hey, hey, hey. Who's the know-it-all professor/adventurer?

Mutt: Grumbling. You are, Doc.

Indiana: I know, but it is nice to hear it from someone that's not threatening my life every so often. Anyway, Orellana never made it home, but around the same time a Crystal Skull went missing from the legendary hidden city. It's said that whoever finds it will gain power over it.

Mutt: Which is why we have all the Russians on our tail.

Indiana: Exactly!

Mutt: Okay then. Lets go to Peru!

Indiana: Hang on a second kid, don't you have somewhere to be? You know, a certain place that involves textbooks?

Mutt: Nah. I quit. I wanna be a mechanic and open up my own shop.

Indiana: Chuckles. Boy, I bet your mom ain't to thrilled. But, hey, if that's your dream, I say go for it. Who am I to tell you otherwise?

Mutt: Thanks Doc. You know, you are kind of cool for an old guy. How old are you, like, 75?

Indiana: Don't push it, Mutt.

**And on that note, our two adventures set out for Nazca, Peru. Upon their arrival, they discover that Oxley was sent to the local insane asylum for his crazy ramblings, that is, until his "comrades" took him away.**

Indiana: You do know your pushing the Russian "comrade" thing a bit much, right?

**Who's gonna stop me?**

Indiana: Don't have a cow, I was only saying…

**They investigate the asylum and the fallen professors cell.**

**Somewhere in, Nazca, Peru**

Indiana: Look at the walls. He wrote Return in a bunch of different languages! That's the _exact _definition of one crazy individual.

Mutt: I don't know Professor. The words, the cave drawings…what happed to Ox? Eyes well up.

Indiana: Take it easy kid. We _will_ find him and your mom too. I promise. But for now, sweep! Hands him a broom.

Mutt: Uh…okay, is this another one of your things. 'leave every place cleaner than you find it'?

Indiana: Glad to see your mouth isn't affected by your feelings of loss, Mutt…and no. Look, he carved something into the floor. Quick, we have to go to the grave of Francisco de Orellana, the infamous Conquistador!

Mutt: Okay then…

Indiana: Sorry, I really should say why huh…

Mutt: Yeah.

Indiana: Well, that's where Oxley hid the Crystal Skull.

Mutt: Uh….

Indiana: The thing we are looking for, the thing that made the Russians kidnap Oxley and your mother, the thing that will probably almost kill us all?!

Mutt: Sure! To whatshisname's grave! Pumps fist.

Indiana: The enthusiasm is well played, so I'm gonna ignore the sarcasm.

Mutt: Whatever, old man.

Indiana: Strike that about the skull. You're gonna be the death of me.

Mutt: Likewise, old man.

Indiana: Ugh…

**Indy and Mutt head to the grave, but they are interrupted by warriors!**

**Orellana's Grave, Nazca Peru**

Mutt: What the heck?! I thought you said that thing was my just imagination!

Indiana: Well, then it appears you need to stop watching action flicks before you go to bed. Drags down a warrior with his bullwhip and punches him in the face.

Mutt:Draws his switchblade. Actually, it appears you were wrong! Punches his opponent in the gut.

Indiana: Once out of a thousand. Lets see your track record! … Kid! Watch the darts. They're poisonous! Indy throws down another warrior wilding a dart gun.

**As Mutt fends off another attacker, another warrior stands on the cliff with a dart gun aimed directly at his throat…until Indy blows on the back end and the dart hits its owner.**

Mutt: God, I can't imagine what you do to kids in detention!

Indiana: You have no idea, though I try to keep more on the non-capital punishment side…kind of hard if the kid has half the mouth you do.

Mutt: Why thank you, gramps! I'm touched.

Indiana: I think so, a lil' bit in the head.

**Finally, they make it to the tomb and locate the skull under the corpse of Francisco de Orellana himself! They safely navigate their way out of the tomb just as dawn breaks over the horizon…of course, only to be captured by Mac and the Russians. Of course. **

**The Russians Camp, Nezca, Peru.**

**Indy is restrained in a high-backed metal chair in a large canvas tent. Why any of that matters, I don't know, but, he is. Outside, all the soldiers are dancing around a large fire, fondly reminding everyone watching of the early caveman years of our races existence. Mac comes inside to visit Indy.**

Mac: 'Ello, Jonsie! Man, you'd love this job. So easy and rewarding. Takes a swig from his bottle. Mate, I gotta tell ya though…

Indiana: Mac, you come near me, and I'm gonna hurt you.

Mac: Oh, the big tough Indiana Jones is gonna hurt me while restrained and detained. What are you gonna do?

Indiana: Grins. Just wait until I escape.

Mac: Grins. Don't think that's gonna happen…Indy, I gotta tell you though. Just hear me out: Berlin!

Indiana: Berlin! What do you want me to say to that? Yay, my newfound "comrade" ex-partner can say Berlin.

Mac: Jonsie, think about it! What were we in Berlin, all those years ago?!

Indiana: Friends.

**Oh, that one had to sting!**

Doctor Irina Spalko: Dr. Jones! Oh, it is good to see you enjoying some of our famous hospitality. How very lucky you are that you can still be of use to the cause!

Indiana: I don't know what you're yapping about sister, but I can guarantee I ain't helping you with anything but catching a plane back to Russia.

Doctor Irina Spalko: No! You know that your friend, Professor Oxley discovered the Skull, hid it and sent you on a mission to discover it. You and the boy were captured with it ! Surely that is no coincidence, Dr. Jones?

Indiana: Who's to say the kid and I weren't on a little field trip? I _am_ a world renowned Professor of Archeology.

Doctor Irina Spalko: Well first off, you are on administrative leave due to an FBI investigation, he dropped out of school two months prior and you met him twelve days ago. I told you before, I know a great deal. Now unfortunately, the Professor went nutty after staring at it for too long, and we can't understand him. Perhaps a familiar face would help him…

**Irina orders her soldiers in Russian to bring Oxley to her.**

Oxley: Babbles incoherently.

Indiana: Ox! Ox, it's me buddy…Whispers It's Henry Jones Jr.!

Doctor Irina Spalko: Yes, we all know. You renounced the name your father gave you for the name Indiana, taken from the family dog.

Indiana: Alright, alright! We get it. You're scary _and_ smart.

Doctor Irina Spalko: Why thank you, Dr. Jones. Hmm…it doesn't seem to be working…I have a better idea.

**Soon, the Russians have Indy hooked up to some wackadoo machine and they set the skull down on the table before him.**

Doctor Irina Spalko: You will look at the skull and translate what he says! Hopefully your mind is strong than his.

Indiana: What if it isn't?

Doctor Irina Spalko: Ah, well. At least you can't say we didn't try. Grins evilly.

**Indy and the skull have an awesome staring match, in which Oxley realizes Indiana has been brought to the camp, they both say the word return rather creepily and it finally ends when Indy starts convulsing and they take it away. Wow, that was a long and direct sentence!**

Doctor Irina Spalko: Quick! Release him.

Mac: Right tha-OUCH!!

**Indy, true to his word, slugs him in the face.**

Mac: YOU BROKE MY BLOODY NOSE, INDY!

Indiana: I've never been one to break a promise, Mac. It is rather bloody, isn't it?

Mac: Nasally Shut up.

**They lead Indy out of the tent and towards the fire where Oxley is sitting.**

Indiana: I'm not gonna do it. Honestly, I believe we can all come to an understanding, right? Negotiating has always been my strong suit…

Doctor Irina Spalko: Glares. You are in no position to negotiate, Dr. Jones. But by all means, let me introduce you to my hidden talent of persuasion. Smiles and reaches for something on her belt.

Indiana: Okay, that can be one of two things and I pray to every religion head ever created that it's the second!

**Irina commands her soldiers in Russian and they bring Mutt out of a tent, kicking and swearing up a storm. Irina unsheathes her rapier and places it against Mutt's neck.**

Doctor Irina Spalko: You will do your job, or I will spill all of his precious blood on the stones!

Indiana: OH THANK GOD IT WAS THE SECOND ONE, YES! Mutt glares. Oh, and no way am I gonna let you kill him…his mom'll kill me!

Mutt: Thanks for the moral support Doc. Slicks back his hair. Don't give 'em a thing though.

Indiana: I like his mind set.

Doctor Irina Spalko: Ugh, I thought the kid would work to Mutt It would've been so much easier if you were ten.

Mutt: I'm gonna go with…mmm, get bent.

Doctor Irina Spalko: Ugh…bring out the old flame!

**As they did with Mutt moments earlier, the soldiers bring out a kicking and swearing Marion Ravenwood-Williams. She immediately embraces her son, then yells at him for getting kidnapped by Russians and finally notices Indy is there, staring at the two of them, speechless for once.**

Indiana: To Mutt THAT'S YOUR MOM?!

Marion: Fantastic job there, Jones. Not only do you get my son captured, but you go ahead and get yourself captured too!

Indiana: Someone ought to look after him and I had nothing better to do so, I thought to myself, why not? This should be easy. Grins.

Marion: Not as easy as it used to be. Smiles slightly.

**Indy and Marion lean in to kiss, but they are interpreted by Mutt.**

Mutt: Fake retching. I think I'm gonna be sick.

Doctor Irina Spalko: You're not the only one. Now Dr. Jones…

**She raises her rapier back up to Mutt's throat and some soldier sticks a pistol in Marion's back.**

Doctor Irina Spalko: I believe we have come to an agreement, yes?

**Reluctantly, Indy communicates with Oxley and they discover more clues from pictogylps he draws. They then rush over to a map and begin laying out plans…until Mutt devises one of his own.**

Mutt: Pushes table and map over onto Russians. RUN!

Indiana: You have a plan then, kid, or are we just going to keep running?

Mutt: This is the plan. I hope you can keep up, old timer.

**They run out into the jungle, but Marion and Indy get themselves trapped in a sandpit. **

Mutt: Uh, hang on! I'm gonna go find a rope or something!

Indiana: To Oxley Hey Ok, I know you're sorta crazy right now but…GO! GET! HELP!

Oxley: Help? HELP! Runs off.

Marion: Classy, Jones.

Indiana: You know, if we weren't about to die, this'd almost be romantic.

Marion: Um…but if we do…there is something I need to tell you…

Indiana: Oh! Let me guess! Let me guess!

Marion: It's about Mutt.

Indiana: Sighs. Well, just go ahead and make it hard. Um…he's not really your son.

Marion: No!

Indiana: He doesn't have a license?

Marion: No, he does. But I hate that motorcycle.

Indiana: He's in league with the Russians?

Marion: INDY!

Indiana: Sorry, thought I'd try to add a bit of humor, Marion, take it easy!

Marion: Indy-

Indiana: One more! One more! He's-

Marion: YOUR SON! His name is Henry Jones III. And also-

Indiana: WHA-

Mutt: Here, grab onto this! Pulls Marion out. Doc, hold on!

Indiana: THAT'S A SNAKE!

Mutt: Well, they didn't exactly have a wide selection of ropes, gramps.

Indiana: Couldn't you just get vine or somethi-

Marion: JUST GRAB THE STUPID SNAKE!

Indiana: STOP CALLING IT THAT!

Marion and Mutt: GRAB THE STUPID ROPE!

**Indy grabs onto the 'rope' and they pull him to safety. Now that he is freed, Indy decides to take the opportunity to show a sense of fatherly affection towards his new found son.**

Indiana: Smacks Mutt over the head.

Mutt: What the heck?!

Indiana: You are soooo lucky we are in the middle of the jungle being persued by murderous soviet agents, because when we get out of this freaking jungle, you are going to wish 'the old man' wasn't so good with a bull whip! I mean for crying out loud…following a crazy old adventurer into one of the most dangerous jungles in the world…

Marion: Indy…

Indiana: Putting your life in danger every time you flick out that switchblade or ride that motorcycle WITHOUT A HELMET…

Marion: _Indy_…

Indiana: Quitting school and screwing up your chances of a getting yourself in a good and profitable career…

Marion: _INDY_…

Indiana: And mouthing off to everyone and everything… that was getting SO annoying, but all that is over now, you got that… son.

Mutt: What?!

Marion: Um…the other thing was I haven't exactly told Mutt yet either.

Oxley: Help! Russians with guns surround them.

Indiana: Thank you so much, Ox.

**Everyone is captured (again) and tied up in the back of a truck. Marion and Indy are getting reacquainted, aw!**

Indiana: YOU COULD'VE TOLD ME I HAD A SON!

Marion: WELL, WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO SAY? DON'T LEAVE ME, I'M WITH CHILD?!

Indiana: …YES!

Marion: But would you have stayed with me?

Indiana: Maybe, but even if I stayed, you would have been in constant danger. That's not the life you wanted…

Marion: So you think you got me all figured out now, huh, Jones?

Indiana: As a matter of fact, I believe I do!

Marion: You make me so crazy!

Indiana: Grins.Maybe that's a good thing…Do you remember that ah-mazing night on that ship back to England? You were wearing that beautiful white dress and-

Marion: INDIANA JONES, NOT IN FRONT OF YOUR SON! HAVE SOME COMMON SENSE!

Mutt: GOD, SHUT UP ALREADY! I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT HOW I WAS CONCEIVED, OKAY?!

Indiana: Yeah, the kid's right. Why should he have to see Mommy and Daddy fight? But while we are on the subject of you, Mutt, I hope you are ready to go back to school!

Mutt: Oh come on!

Indiana: Marion, really. I know an excellent training camp in upper Greenland-

Mutt: WHAT?!

Marion: Now that's enough out of both of you! Indy: stop baiting your son. You didn't raise him, and while I hope seeing him gives you the incentive to be apart of his life, you are not shipping him off to some psycho terrorist in training camp!

Mutt: Yes!

Marion: And you, young man! You are going back to school and your father has a point. I think we should look at some form of punishment for 'quitting' school…but no bullwhip, Indy.

Indiana: Marion, come on, compromise!

Marion: I am. ABSOLUTELY NOT!

Indiana: Spoil sport. But are you familiar with the ancient child-rearing disciplinary actions of the Swamereze-

Marion: Nothing that would brutally maim, disable or kill him Indy, I mean it!

Indiana: YOU ARE TOO SOFT, MARION, IT'S LIKE YOU DON'T EVEN _WANT_ ME TO TRY!

Russian Solider: Quiet back there!

Mutt: Can I borrow your gun, for like two seconds, please? It will be a just death, I swear!

Marion: SUICIDE IS NOT FUNNY, MUTT!

Russian Solider: THAT IS ENOUGH, STOP YELLING!

**The solider goes back into the truck to gag Marion, but Indy and Mutt give him the boot. Ah, very punny, yes?**

Mutt: No…just no.

Indiana: rips a hole in the canvas ceiling of the truck. You know, what, Marion? There was something wrong with every girl I did meet over the last twenty years.

Marion: I can only imagine…what?

Indiana: They weren't you.

Audience and Marion: AWWWWWWW!!

Mutt: Ick.

**Indy jumps out through the ceiling and Marion takes control of the truck.**

Mutt: I can drive perfectly well, you know.

Marion: Not now, Mutt!

Mutt: Sulks.

Indiana: Jumping into the seat next to his son. Scoot over a bit, son.

Mutt: Yeah, I've been your son a whole twelve hours. Doesn't mean you can-

Indiana: Stop talking for once and cover your ears, kid! Whips out bazooka and sets it off.

**Somehow, Indy and crew end up getting attacked by evil killer ants while running from the Russians, but due to the huge gross out factor (They eat a couple of guys whole) we'll just cut that bit out. And get on with the good stuff Marion navigates the truck up to the vehicle in which Irina, Mac, Ox and the Skull are contained. Indy begins taking out the Convoy and Mutt takes on Irina in a spectacularly thrilling sword fight! Awesome!**

Doctor Irina Spalko: You fight at a young man's pace: Quick to start, quicker to finish! Lunges out with her rapier.

Mutt: Blocks. Yeah, well you fight at an old lady's pace: Slow to start, ugly and bitter and even easier to finish than a young man!

Doctor Irina Spalko: Keep the comebacks under thirty words. Should have guessed, knowing you share the same blood as that self-absorbed idiotic archaeologist.

Mutt: HEY, NOBODY BAD-MOUTHS MY DAD EXCEPT ME!

**Irina and Mutt tussel some more, Mutt snatches the Skull in a flashy sort of way extraordinarily reminiscent of his father, Irina snatches it back, Mutt takes it again, Irina slashes what promises to be a nifty scar into Mutt's face and Indy and Mac fight in the front seat the entire time. Nothing quite like male-bonding while fighting your enemies, eh Indy?**

Indiana: Sure, whatever. Chokes Mac.

Mac: INDY! I TOLD YOU: BER-LIN!

Indiana: I KNOW AND I DON'T CARE!

Mac: INDY! WE WERE DOUBLE AGENTS IN BERLIN!

Indiana: Are you serious…Mac, if you are lying…

Mac: For what reason would I? Grins.

Indiana: I can't say I'm surprised. Grins back.

Mutt: Could you hurry it up there, Daddy-o? This isn't exactly fun!

**Having taken back the skull, Mutt is now straddling the two fast moving cars and all forces of nature keep hitting him in…well you know, the family jewels**

Mutt: Ah- Octave jumpHAAAAAAAA! HURRY UP!

Marion: Well. There go my chances of having grand kids.

**Indy, Mutt, Mac, ox and that freaky Crystal Skull all make it back into the right vehicle. **

Marion: Uh, Indy…

Indiana: What?

Marion: What should I do about the huge cliff?

Indiana: What huge cliff?!

Mutt: Mom. Turn around!

Indiana: Yeah, turn around!

Marion: No, I got this. Floors it.

Indiana and Mutt: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

Marion: TRUST ME.

**The vechile hurtles off the huge cliff, but is saved by a branch that lowers it into the aquiveichle into the water.**

Marion: Smirks.

Indiana: Never. Again. Okay, honey?

Marion: Whatever you say, darling.

Mutt: Ugh…

Ox: Three times it drops…

Indiana: What was that, Ox.

Mac: Mate, I think you better look ahead.

**Ahead of the boat, is a huge waterfall!**

Indiana: Oh crap, here comes one!

Everyone: AHHHHHHHHHH!

**Waterlogged, our heroes somehow remain in the boat until-**

Everyone: TWOOOOOOO!

**Hey, I was gonna say that!**

Indiana: Okay, I think that was the worst of it. Smirks. Thanks for the heads up, Ox.

Marion: No. No no no no no no no!

**An enormous death trap of a triple waterfall looms against them as they fall off the side, screaming to the heavens. Eventually, they make it to shore and Mutt makes the discovery that they need to go into the waterfall.**

Indiana: It's cliché _and_ it is a great plot filler!

**Inside the cave, it is revealed that some sort of one-dimensional beings ruled over the ancient people and brought the technology. The Crystal Skull was one of thirteen: collect 'em all, right? The cave lead to a huge pyramid lookin' thing: Akator, woot woot!**

Indiana: These huge beams..they are supposed to connect so we can get inside…but how can we do that?

Mutt: I ain't moving 'em.

Indiana: No…Ox?

**Oxley points out the weird stone things jutting out of the side that look like buttons and Indy has everyone break them out of the wall with random huge rocks. The pillars aline and the pyramid opens up, with stone slabs pillaring down.**

Indiana: Sweet, lets go!

Mutt: Uh, are these…moving?

Indiana: Come on kid, of course they are. Things are never easy for me…

**So it becomes a race and our heroes are literally running down the stones until they feel themselves running out of room and falling down below. Indy and Mutt fall first, followed by Oxley and Mac.**

Mutt: Aw, what a rip-off! All that suspense for three feet of water! There aren't even any crocodiles

Marion: AHHHHHH!

**Indy catches her at the last second!**

Marion: Laughs. Well, you are just saving my life today, huh?

Indiana: Always a pleasure!

**They lean in to kiss****…and Mutt interupts again.**

Mutt: Hold this, pops.

Indiana: What? Do you have a 'time to make sure Indiana can't be happy' button on you, Mutt?

Mutt: Laughs. We all have to hold on to our dreams for as long as we can, right? No, but Ox dropped the Skull…here it is! I think we should head…this way.

Indiana: I think this is where I'm supposed to show my fatherly affection…atta boy!

Mutt: It's okay, you'll get there.

**The group heads into a sort of trophy room with trea-**

Indiana: I got this one. These are tresures from every major intelligent civilization on the earth. Mayans, Egyptians, Romans…

Marion: They were collectors.

Mac: Starts pulling off necklaces and jewels.

**They come to the back of the room to find a skull shaped keyhole.**

Indiana: Ox, I gotta borrow that skull of yours…

Oxley: RETURN!

Indiana: Yes, I will, only for a second…I promise.

**Indiana fits the skull into place and opens up a new passage way with many spiders in it. Gotta love the bloated South American spiders!**

Indiana: Here you go Ox. Come on, we're almost there.

Marion: Was your first clue the spiders or the golden archway?

Indiana: And you said he gets his mouth from me…

**They enter what was evidently a throne room, and upon thirteen thrones sit perfect crystal skeletons…except one is missing a head of course.**

Mutt: They're amazing!

Ox: You are safe now, at long last…

Doctor Irina Spalko: I must say, Dr. Jones, when you put your mind to it, you work wonders. Thank you ever so much for leading us to ultimate power. You really shouldn't have.

Indiana: MAC? WERE YOU SOME KIND OF TRIPLE AGENT?!

Mac: No…I just lied.

Indiana: Sighs audibly above the pistols being cocked. We know, we know. Ox…

Doctor Irina Spalko: No we are quite capable. Snatches the skull from Ox and places it on the skeleton. I see you are not a believe, still after all this?

Indiana: No, I believe all right. But that's why I'm down here.

Doctor Irina Spalko: Ah, it's a good enough answer to me.

**Suddenly, Ox beeins conversing with the skeleton in Mayan as it snaps to attention and begins to glow funny.**

Indiana: He says he wants to give us a gift…

Doctor Irina Spalko: That's easy: I WANT TO KNOW EVERYTHING!

Indiana: I've got a bad feeling about this…

**The entire place vibrates and the skeletons begin shooting knowledge into Irina's eyes. Suddenly (gasp) a portal begins to open up and that's when Indy and co. decide to book it.**

Indiana: I'm gonna go with, RUN!

**They make it out as the platform begins collapsing and try to escape. Irina is also on the platform as the Skeletons combine into one. Her mind cannot take all the knowledge, so she sorta..catches on fire and her ashes fly up into the portal thing. Meanwhile, Mac is caught in the portals gust and Indy tries to save him with his bull whip.**

Mac: Indy, go!

Indiana: No, you may be a double crosser, but we were friends!

Mac: Grins. I'll be alright, Indy. Lets go and is sucked into the weirdo portal.

**Afterwards, the four reaming escape via giant water elevator thing and end up at the top of the pyramid again…to see the spaceship fly away?!**

Indiana: WHAT THE? ALIENS, COME ON!

**As the spaceship flies away, the spot where it was concealed immediately fills with water from the ocean. Indy has perched upon a rock with Marion on his lap and Oxley, finally snaps out of it.**

Indiana: Where did they go?

Oxley: If I may be painfully profound, they went to the space between spaces. And how remarkable of them to cover their footprints.

Inidiana: Welcome back. You old know-it-all.

Mutt: Well…that was trippy. We oughta start down now-

Indiana: Kid, you aren't gonna make it down in time. It gets dark real fast. Why don't you stick around, huh, Junior?

Mutt: Well why didn't you…dad.

Oxley: Ha! Dad…as if…

**Realization dawns on Oxley as the three grin at each other.**

Oxley: Oh come on, I wasn't out of it THAT long!

**A Chapel in the US…we think again.**

**We are witnessing the wedding of Indy and Marion: yay! A small crowd is gathered behind them and Mutt stands off to his father's right. The vows are exchanged and the newly married couple kiss while everyone cheers.**

Oxley: Only took him thirty years, you know!

**Indy links arms with his wife and son and they head down to greet the crowd.**

Oxley: Good show, Henry!

Indiana and Mutt: Thanks, Ox.

**Both father and son stare at each other and smile. Aw, they're learning not to threaten each other with death!**

Indiana: Yeah, who knew I would be such a softie!

**Mutt breaks away from his parents to take a few pictures when Iny's fadora flies off its hook in the back of the chaple and lands at his Mutt. Casting a sidelong glance at his parents, Mutt begins to try it on.**

Indiana: Snatching the fedora and placing it on his head. Not yet, Junior! _Not a chance!_

**The Joneses and company head out into the bright sunshine and the adventure is finally over…for now, anyways.**

Indiana: Not counting the honeymoon, huh? Winks.

Mutt: Ugh! Bad mental images!

Indiana: Sorry, son.

**END!**


End file.
